Sexual Healing Read online

  Table of Contents

  Sexual Healing

  Dedication

  Title Page

  Important Note

  Introduction

  Part I - THE BASICS OF SEXUAL HEALING

  chapter 1 - Sex Problems

  Types of Sexual Dysfunction

  The Role of Anxiety

  A Brief History of the Treatment of Sexual Problems

  Where This Book Fits In

  What Happens in Sex Therapy?

  How Surrogate Partners Heal

  What You Can Learn from My Experience as a Surrogate Partner

  chapter 2 - Sex 101

  Male Sexual Anatomy and Physiology

  Female Sexual Anatomy and Physiology

  Intersex Conditions

  The Sexual Response Cycle

  chapter 3 - Dealing with Anxiety

  The Physiology of Anxiety

  How Sensate-Focus Exercises Help to Reduce Anxiety

  Performance Anxiety

  Spectatoring

  Pressuring Your Partner

  chapter 4 - Sexual Positions

  Male-Superior Positions

  Female-Superior Positions

  Side-to-Side Positions

  Rear-Entry Positions

  Part II - SEXUAL PROBLEMS

  chapter 5 - Low Sexual Desire

  What’s Normal?

  Changes in Thinking about Sexual Desire

  Causes of Low Sexual Desire in Women

  Causes of Low Sexual Desire in Men

  Causes of Low Sexual Desire in Both Men and Women

  Differences Between Men’s and Women’s Sexual Desire

  Measuring Sexual Desire

  Asexuality

  The Relationship of Low Sexual Desire to Other Sexual Problems

  chapter 6 - Sexual Aversion Disorder

  What’s Normal?

  Types of Anxiety

  Causes of Sexual Aversion Disorder

  chapter 7 - Erection Problems

  What’s Normal?

  Levels of Erection

  Forms of Erection Problems

  Physical Causes of Erection Problems

  Psychological Causes of Erection Problems

  chapter 8 - Female Sexual Arousal Disorder

  What’s Normal?

  Patterns of Female Sexual Arousal Disorder

  Physical Causes of Arousal Problems

  Psychological Causes of Women’s Arousal Problems

  chapter 9 - Premature Ejaculation

  What’s Normal?

  Causes of Premature Ejaculation

  chapter 10 - Male Orgasm Disorder

  Patterns of Male Orgasm Disorder

  What’s Normal?

  Physical Causes of Ejaculation Difficulties

  Psychological and Behavioral Causes of Male Orgasm Disorder

  Treatment Outlook

  chapter 11 - Female Orgasm Disorder

  What’s Normal?

  Types of Female Orgasm Disorder

  Physical Causes of Female Orgasm Disorder

  Psychological Barriers to Orgasm

  An Alternative View of Female Sexual Problems

  chapter 12 - Vaginismus

  What’s Normal?

  Types of Vaginismus

  Symptoms and Causes of Vaginismus

  Treatment Outlook

  Chapter 13 - Dyspareunia

  Patterns of Dyspareunia

  What’s Normal?

  Physical Causes of Sexual Pain in Men

  Physical Causes of Sexual Pain in Women

  Vulvar Vestibulitis

  Symptoms of Sexual Pain in Women

  Physical or Psychological Pain?

  Psychological Issues Related to Dyspareunia

  Part III - BEGINNING SEXUAL HEALING

  chapter 14 - The Healing Touch

  Touch Is Vital

  The Nonverbal Power of Touch

  The Healing Powers of Touch

  Sensate Focus: The Touch that Heals

  The Healing Mindset

  chapter 15 - How to Do Sensate-Focus Exercises

  Trust

  Feedback after the Exercises

  Setting a Schedule

  Multiple Problems

  chapter 16 - Relaxation

  chapter 17 - Sexual Fitness

  General Fitness

  Nutrition

  Drugs

  Sex-Muscle Exercises

  chapter 18 - Self-Touch

  Developing Arousal Awareness

  Nontouching Suggestions to Promote Sexual Healing

  chapter 19 - Basic Partner Exercises: Spoon Breathing and the Face Caress

  Feedback

  chapter 20 - Basic Partner Exercises: The Back Caress

  chapter 21 - Basic Partner Exercises: The Front Caress

  chapter 22 - Basic Partner Exercises: The Genital Caress and Oral Sex

  The Genital Caress

  Oral Sex

  Part IV - HEALING SPECIFIC SEXUAL PROBLEMS

  chapter 23 - Healing Premature Ejaculation

  Outdated Treatments for Premature Ejaculation

  Sensate-Focus Exercises for Premature Ejaculation

  Peaking with Intercourse

  chapter 24 - Healing Erection Problems

  Could Your Erection Problems Be Physical?

  Maintaining Erections

  Physical, Behavioral, and Psychological Issues in Erection Problems

  Medical Solutions for Erection Problems

  chapter 25 - Healing Male Orgasm Disorder

  Behavioral Changes: A Summary

  The Role of Intimacy

  The Role of Masturbation

  More Behavioral Strategies for Changing Masturbation Habits

  A Choice of Approaches for Healing Inhibited Ejaculation

  The Importance of Peaking

  Intercourse and Masturbation Together

  Shaping for Inhibited Ejaculation

  Some Final Suggestions

  chapter 26 - Healing Female Sexual Arousal Disorder

  Physical Arousal

  Peaking

  Using Erotica

  Vibrators

  Lubricants

  Medical Solutions

  chapter 27 - Healing Female Orgasm Disorder

  What If You’ve Been Faking It?

  Discovering Your Orgasm Triggers

  Orgasms with Intercourse

  Using Fantasy to Trigger Orgasm

  chapter 28 - Healing Low Sexual Desire

  Understanding and Dealing with Low Sexual Desire

  More Suggestions to Jump-Start Your Sexual Desire

  chapter 29 - Healing Sexual Aversion Disorder

  Mild Sexual Anxiety

  Moderate Generalized Sexual Anxiety

  Specific Sexual Fears

  Severe Sexual Anxiety

  Prescribing the Symptom

  chapter 30 - Healing Vaginismus

  Progression of Exercises for Vaginismus

  Shaping for Vaginismus

  A Possible Medical Solution?

  Additional Suggestions for Comfort with Penetration

  chapter 31 - Healing Sexual Pain

  Part V - ADVANCED SEXUAL HEALING

  chapter 32 - Lovemaking to Heal Physical Problems

  The Unity of Mind and Body

  The Physical Benefits of Lovemaking

  Psychosomatic Illness: How Mind Affects Body

  Stress Disorders

  Chronic Illnesses

  Physical Trauma

  Sexual Healing of Specific Psychosomatic Illnesses and Stress-Related Conditions

  Sexual Healing of Chronic Illnesses and Conditions Caused by Physical Trauma

  Additional Healing Exercises

  If Intercourse Is Not in the Cards

  chapter 3
3 - Using Lovemaking to Heal Your Emotions

  Somatopsychology

  How Lovemaking Heals Your General Emotional State

  Other Emotional and Mental Benefits of Sexual Healing

  More Benefits

  Other Attitude Issues

  chapter 34 - Healing Your Relationship: Bonding and Trust

  Bonding

  Trust

  chapter 35 - Healing Your Relationship: Play and Verbal Intimacy

  Play

  Verbal Intimacy

  chapter 36 - Be a Sexual Healer with Intercourse

  Mutual and Multiple Orgasms

  chapter 37 - Spiritual Healing Through Sexuality

  Sexuality in Religious Traditions

  Tantra

  Ecstasy

  chapter 38 - Some Final Thoughts

  References

  Recommended Reading

  Sources for Sex Toys

  Index

  Copyright Page

  Sexual Healing

  BARBARA KEESLING, PH.D., has more than twenty years’ experience as a sex therapist and surrogate partner. She has a doctorate in health psychology, teaches Human Sexuality at California State University, Fullerton, and maintains a private sexual therapy practice. Her experiences working skinon-skin with hundreds of clients, together with her academic and teaching work, make her uniquely qualified in the fields of human sexuality and sexual pleasure.

  Dr. Keesling is the author of many popular sexuality titles that have sold over a million copies worldwide. They include Sexual Pleasure, Sexual Healing, Making Love Better than Ever, How to Make Love All Night (and Drive a Woman Wild), and The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex.

  Dr. Keesling has appeared on numerous television and radio shows, including Geraldo, Montel, and “Howard Stern.” Due to the high quality of the information in her books and her credentials as a human sexuality expert she is also frequently interviewed for Playboy, Men’s Health, Psychology Today, Redbook, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and Marie Claire.

  Reviews for SEXUAL PLEASURE

  “Finally, here is a look at the overwhelmingly positive effects of sexual expression in our lives, including increased self-esteem, feelings of personal fulfillment, and sexual ecstasy. Simplify your sex life and breathe some life back into that divinely sensual body.”

  —WHOLE LIFE TIMES

  “For anyone who wishes to increase [the] ability to experience sensual pleasure.”

  —YOGA JOURNAL

  “The real beauty of this book lies in the fact that it treats physical pleasure and intimacy as inseparable, mutually heightening ways to experience sexuality and to bond with your partner.”

  —THE LAUNCH PAD

  This book is dedicated to my clients.

  Ordering

  Trade bookstores in the U.S. and Canada please contact:Publishers Group West

  1700 Fourth Street, Berkeley CA 94710

  Phone: (800) 788-3123 Fax: (800) 351-5073

  Hunter House books are available at bulk discounts for textbook course adoptions; to qualifying community, health-care, and government organizations; and for special promotions and fund-raising. For details please contact:Special Sales Department

  Hunter House Inc., PO Box 2914, Alameda CA 94501-0914

  Phone: (510) 865-5282 Fax: (510) 865-4295

  E-mail: [email protected]

  Individuals can order our books from most bookstores, by calling (800) 266-5592, or from our website at www.hunterhouse.com

  Project Credits

  Cover Design: Brian Dittmar Graphic Design

  Book Production: Hunter House

  Copy Editor: Kelley Blewster

  Proofreader: John David Marion

  Indexer: Nancy D. Peterson

  Acquisitions Editor: Jeanne Brondino

  Editor: Alexandra Mummery

  Publicist: Jillian Steinberger

  Customer Service Manager: Christina Sverdrup

  Order Fulfillment: Washul Lakdhon

  Administrator: Theresa Nelson

  Computer Support: Peter Eichelberger

  Publisher: Kiran S. Rana

  Important Note

  The material in this book is intended to provide an overview of techniques for improving sexual health and functioning. Every effort has been made to provide accurate and dependable information. However, you should be aware that professionals in the field may have differing opinions, and change is always taking place. Any of the treatments described herein should be used under the guidance of a licensed therapist or health-care practitioner. The author, editors, and publisher cannot be held responsible for any outcomes that derive from use of any of these treatments in a program of self-care or under the care of a licensed professional. The treatments in this book should not be used in place of other medical therapies.

  Introduction

  Is your sex life a source of confusion or pain? Do you have sexual problems that prevent you from making love the way you imagine you could? Does sexuality cause you anxiety rather than pleasure? Sexual Healing is a self-help book that can address your concerns. It contains detailed, practical exercises for you alone or for you and a partner that can help heal you of your sexual problems.

  The Evolution of Sexual Healing

  My background and the topics addressed in this book have become intertwined over the past twenty-five years. In 1980, I was working for the U.S. Postal Service in southern California when I read a newspaper article about surrogate partners—men and women who work directly with people who are experiencing sexual problems. I decided to train as a surrogate partner and to begin college at the same time. I worked as a surrogate partner for twelve years, until 1992. During that time I also earned several college degrees, including a doctorate in health psychology, a field of psychology that studies the interaction between the mind and the body. In 1990, the first edition of Sexual Healing was published. It was based on my experiences as a surrogate partner and dealt with common sexual problems, such as erection problems, premature ejaculation, and problems with orgasm.

  After 1992, I worked as a sex therapist rather than a surrogate partner. In 1996, the second edition of Sexual Healing was released. Although it had the same title as the original, its content was quite different. It focused very little on specific sexual problems and more on using lovemaking to heal people’s bodies, minds, and relationships. It was based on some amazing, lifechanging experiences I witnessed in my work as both a surrogate partner and a therapist. Around that time, I also began teaching at a university and writing many other books on sexual topics. Because of the demands of my writing and my university job, I quit my clinical practice as a sex therapist several years ago. When my publisher approached me about writing a third edition of Sexual Healing, I was ready.

  This edition of Sexual Healing harkens back to the first edition in that it contains mostly material on treating specific sexual problems. Yet it also includes content on using sexuality to heal one’s body, mind, and relationship. What I have done here is combine the content from the first two editions. I have also added a lot of new material, mostly in the areas of problems with desire, problems with anxiety, and sexual pain. I’ve updated the treatments for many of the sexual problems, based upon our continually growing knowledge in this area. This third edition of Sexual Healing represents twenty-five years of accumulated knowledge and experience in the field of sexuality.

  Throughout the years, I have used the phrase sexual healing to mean many things. The following are some of the term’s many connotations:• Healing specific sexual problems

  • Using sexuality to heal the body

  • Using sexuality to heal the mind

  • Using sexuality to heal a relationship

  • Being healed of the effects of past sexual abuse

  • Healing compulsive sexual behaviors, such as sexual addictions

  This edition of Sexual Healing addresses the first four issues. It does not deal directly with the effects of sexual abuse or sexual a
ddiction, although I believe that many of the techniques described here could be used as part of a treatment program for abuse and addiction.

  Who Can Benefit from Sexual Healing?

  Anyone who wants to make love and feel better can benefit from following a program of sexual healing. The primary audience for this book is people who suffer from specific sexual problems. The exercises have also proven very helpful for couples who have a strong intimate bond and would like to use that intimacy to bring strength to or heal other aspects of their relationship. Sexual healing is also helpful for people in relationships that no longer include lovemaking, and for people of any age with physical conditions that they believe prevent them from making love. There are even many exercises included in these pages for people who don’t have partners.

  I have written this book with heterosexual couples in mind because these are the people I’ve worked with the most. Unfortunately, the scheme used by most therapists to diagnose sexual problems is very biased toward the experiences of heterosexuals. However, with 3 to 4 percent of the male population and 1 to 2 percent of the female population exclusively homosexual, I believe it is important to acknowledge the fact that people who are attracted to the same sex can also experience sexual dysfunctions. Most of the sensate-focus exercises in Sexual Healing can be used by people of any sexual orientation.

  Another population I don’t specifically address in Sexual Healing is older adults. Studies show that many older people are sexually active or would like to be. The percentage of the population over age fifty is growing at an enormous rate. Sexual dysfunctions affect people of all ages. Erection problems are especially prevalent as men get older. Most of the exercises in Sexual Healing can be used by people of any age. Many of them are great for older people, especially the exercises for female arousal and male erection. Medical conditions such as arthritis that are common in older people may limit a person’s ability to do some of the exercises, so as with any exercise program, consult your physician if you have concerns about your physical abilities.